


Puntertainment

by voiceofdragons



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, cisco feeding barry lines to say, dorks being dorks, puns, references, some pun for everyone, villain themed puns and the works
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-11 19:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10472364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voiceofdragons/pseuds/voiceofdragons
Summary: "Wait a minute...are you... pun shaming me?" He asked Captain Cold incredulously. He heard Cisco snort in his ear."Your pun wasn't very cool. It was pretty repundant."Len and Barry have a pun war. Cisco participates from a safe distance. Mick is so done™.





	1. Firestarter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty much self indulgent. Enjoy!

After a short morning of work where all he did is send reports he completed the previous night, Barry walked into the STAR Labs cortex whistling some jaunty tune.

He was met with the sight of Cisco spinning around in the middle of the room on a office chair and drinking a slushie to the sound of what could be techno pop coming out of the speakers.

"Busy day?" Barry commented, leaning back on their communications and tracking systems table.

"Oh!" Cisco stuck out a foot and let it skid across the tile, slowing himself. "Hey, dude!! Yeah, it's been a quiet morning. I've been working on a wind gun so we can have all the elements out there but so far it's just an oddly shaped fan. I don't think I can patent that." Cisco made to stand up, wobbled, and then promptly sat back down. "Yeah. It's over there," The long haired man gestured, "Next I'll make a plant gun but I'm not sure how well that'll work out."

Barry, looking amused, walked over to Cisco's regular work table. "Cisco... this is literally _just_ a hair dryer." He said, looking back up at Cisco and laughing at his expense.

And of course--because when do they ever have an uneventful day?--the alarm went off. Cisco shuffled backwards on his chair to the monitors and rolled around it by holding onto the ledge of the table and leaning precariously. Barry just flashed over next to him.

"Looks like Captain Cold and Heatwave are hitting a condemned building."

"Why would they...?"

"Apparently some rich schmuck thought it would be a great place to store a couple pounds of diamonds." Cisco informed him, after bringing up a report on it.

"Greaaat." Barry rolled his eyes, "Because that makes a world of sense." Cisco shrugged, "Rich people are eccentric. Haven't you seen Oliver?" Barry couldn't help laughing at that one.

"Point. But don't tell him you said that. I'll go take care of this." He quickly grabbed his suit of the mannequin, changed, and was out of the cortex and to the condemned building in no time flat.

He looked left and looked right. Seeing nothing except for some people loitering around he shrugged and made his way through the doors with Cisco's okay though their comm links.

" _Freeze_." Flash said as he came upon Heatwave and Captain Cold gathering the rich's riches.

"Are you serious." Cold said, unimpressed and raising an eyebrow, "Like I've never heard that one before. You really could do better."

Barry tapped his foot on the ground and sucked on his teeth, "Wait a minute...are you... _pun_ shaming me?" He asked Captain Cold incredulously. He heard Cisco snort in his ear.

"Your pun wasn't very cool. It was pretty re _pun_ dant."

Heatwave grumbled under his breath and set his flamethrower in its holster. He glared at the scarlet clad speedster and tightened his grip on the burlap sack he and Cold had been packing.

"Wow you're really on fire, eh, Mick?" Len said, nudging Heatwave.

"Don't bring me into this." The bulky man rumbled.

"That's not ice."

"Shocking." Barry said, holding up one hand and letting a lightening bolt run down his arm and to his gloved fingertips before it was reabsorbed in his body.

"Don't encourage him!" Heatwave hissed.

"The atmosphere is pretty charged." Captain Cold answered.

Flash shot a sultry smile to the parka wearing rogue, "I'm getting chills. Speaking of, just hand me your chill gotten goods and we'll get on like a blizzard."

"I'm filing a law suit, my ears are being assaulted." Mick didn't even blink and the Flash was holding up a salt shaker. Len snorted while Barry gave a shit eating grin.

"Just fucking marry each other. I want a change in occupation. I've made up my mind, I'm going to culinary school." Heatwave threw his hands up, took the bag of stolen goods, threw it at Flash, and crossed his arms.

"You didn't have to throw the ice at me." Flash shot out after he checked that the missing diamonds were, in fact, in the bag that was thrown at him.

"I'd need some ice for my finger if you're planning to propose." Captain Cold let it be known.

"If that happens I'll buy it. You know. Legally. Like a normal person. Like a normal person that makes money. You know. Legally. With a good paying job. "

Mick opened his mouth and Barry cut in, "With a _legal_ good paying job." Mick's mouth snapped shut.

"I almost feel like you're trying to get a point across." Len tapped his gloved fingers on the side of his sunglasses, "Imagine that."

Mick huffed and turned to walk out of the building.

"Aw, don't give us the cold shoulder." Flash and Cold somehow chimed at the same time.

Mick narrowed his eyes at both of them.

"Is it hot in here or is it just you?" The Flash crowed out.

"Ah, the heat's on." Len informed Flash in a mock grievous tone of voice as Mick's face flushed in either anger or embarrassment.

"I feel like you're taunting the bull here, Barry, and I'm _living_ for this," Cisco said in his ear, voice full of laughter. "Hold on, hold on, let me look some puns up for you to use." Cisco was quiet for a few beats until he spoke again.

"I lava good fight," Barry repeated. Len pushed back the hood of his parka and looked generally amused.

"No one can hold a candle to your beauty."

"...you..."

"Looks like you've met your match."

"Stop."

"This was a tinder encounter but we have burned too much time."

"I mean it."

"You're fired."

"I'm warning you."

"He's really spitting these out rapid fire." Cold commented.

Mick had his flame thrower trained on Flash and Captain Cold looked on in poorly restrained glee.

"Are you really that radiant or are those flames?" Barry asked, side stepping towards Cold in anticipation. Mick's eyes just narrowed.

"Is that a spark in your eye I see?"

"I've got one for you," Mick's rough voice cut through, "How do you like your ribs? Well done, smokey, or CHARRED," The buff man had barely finished his sentence before he flicked the safety off of his flamethrower and started shooting at them.

Flash grabbed Len under his shoulders and fled the building, both of them cackling.

"Damn, I was gonna tell you to say this next: 'You were the chosen one. I loved you like a brother, Anakin.'" Cisco pipped up in his ear after the Flash got him and Cold out of the building.

The building promptly went up in flames. Flash was ready to go in to grab Mick but Cold caught his bicep and nodded his head to the side. They both saw Heatwave stomping heavily down the sidewalk angrily. Barry shook his head in exasperation.

"Not now, Cisco, civilians are looking at us all funny," Barry mumbled and readied his arms and started wheeling them around like a super speed fan. The few people there were on the side walks were, in fact, giving them odd looks. Len pulled the parka hood back over his head and wiggled his gloved fingers at a particular couple who were open mouthed gawking at them.

"Looking at you odd? I wonder why. I mean it's everyday that the Flash carries out Captain Cold out of a building, both laughing like mad men, isn't it?" Flash huffed and stopped when it looked like he got the last of the fire out.

He rolled his shoulders and then turned to address the crowd in his warble-y Flash voice, "It's under control now, everything is--" He cut himself off as a little girl was pointing behind him repeatedly while tugging on the hem of her mother's shirt.

"Something else just caught on fire again behind me, didn't it."

Before he could turn around and put it out, the sound of the cold gun powering up and shooting out a blast of ice hit his ears.

"I got it." Cold informed him, with a shit eating grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tempted to make this into a series like...who can annoy Mick the most with puns...
> 
> So yeah! Comments are love. (:


	2. Aftershocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again. Voice is back, tell a friend. Points to those that can pick out references through out the story.
> 
> As for setting, I'll put this somewhere in season one. Barry's close to just starting out, Iris and Eddie are still secretly dating, Cold hasn't drastically kidnapped anyone yet, Wells hasn't shown his true colours, etc etc.

"So let me get this right," Dr. Wells started. "While Dr. Snow and I were out on a coffee run you let Mr. Allen get into a verbal war with the two convicts resulting in an arson attempt."

 

"E _eehhh_ ," Cisco went to correct Wells, voice high, "I wouldn't call it an attempt because it did successfully happen." Caitlin opened her mouth, no doubt to get onto him, so he rushed out, " _Pues_ the building was condemned anyway! No harm no foul! My favourite football call." Cisco said and Caitlin looked nonplussed, "Goa _aaal_." He tacked on weakly. The doctor just raised her eyebrow, arms crossed.

 

" _'No harm no foul?'_ " Caitlin mocked, "Cisco, our _jobs_ when monitoring him out in the field is to _keep_ him from dangerous situations, not give him ideas how to make a dumb action multiply _tenfold_!"

 

"I don't know, I think Cold liked it." Cisco pointed out.

 

"Ramon, they're hardened criminals." Wells remarked, moved his electric chair towards an empty table and unloaded the coffee he and Snow had procured.

 

"If they weren't hardened criminals before, they definitely are now with all that verbal foreplay between Cold and Flash." Cisco shot out without thinking. Caitlin gave him a wide eyed look.

 

"Oh, come on. That was funny." Cisco tried to persuade Caitlin. She shook her head quickly, eyes darting over to Wells.

 

Harrison turned with his chair, the only noise in the cortex being a quiet electronic hum. It stopped and he looked Cisco square in the eye, "No, Cisco, that was _quite_ inappropriate. Especially in your place of work. Dr. Snow is correct in saying our job is _keeping Barry Allen safe_." The room went silent again save for the electric humming that followed Wells out of the room and down the hall. Cisco squinted after him and wondered if Caitlin also picked up creepy vibes from the man these days.

 

"Buzz kill." Cisco mumbled he turned to see Caitlin picking up his aeolian gun.

 

"What are you doing with a hair dryer?" Caitlin asked.

 

"In my defence, one: it takes a lot to keep this hair looking nice and silky as it does," Cisco flipped his hair over one shoulder.

 

"Alright, Fabio."

 

"Excuse you! Fabio is an inspiration. Two: that's a _super cool_ new wind gun. Not a hair dryer." Cisco corrected.

 

"Really? I'm no mechanical engineer, but this here is the fan housing and the air inlet grille," Caitlin tapped the back of Cisco's gun, "The air outlet grille and a very familiar on/off switch," she continued, tapping on the front and side of the gun, "And if you look in through the inlet grille, you can see what looks like a thermostat and a thermal fuse heat element. Congratulations, Cisco, you reinvented the blow dryer."

 

"...So it needs some work."

 

"And you need to do some research on copy right laws and make sure you're not breaking any of them."

 

" _So_ it looks a _little_ like a blow dryer, big deal. A lot of things are made with inspiration of other things in mind but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is a copy of said things." Cisco said imperiously.

 

"Dr. Snow, Mr. Ramon, have you seen Barry since that building fire he put out?" Joe's voice came around the corner and into the cortex. "Nice hairdryer."

 

Caitlin turned a smirk on Cisco and put down his 'creation'. Cisco just groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. "Not another word." Cisco had a passing thought that this whole everyone coming in and out of the cortex business reminded him a lot of Friends.

 

"No, we haven't heard back from Barry since then. You'll find that Cisco," here was a pointed glare towards the engineer, who stuck his tongue out, "Was keeping up with communications."

 

"And if both of you will hold on to your hats," Cisco propositioned and jogged over to the monitoring station, "His vitals are fine. His comms are turned off but that doesn't mean anything horrible."

 

"Right." Caitlin tried to assure Joe.

 

"There are reports of Flash and Captain Cold teaming up to beat this fire and I wanted to hear it straight from my kid what kinda wackadoodle stunt he's trying to pull this time." Joe said. "Not to mention whatever has been stolen is still missing." The detective added as an after thought.

 

"Help put out the fire's a little bit of a stretch... more like they both helped the fire start burning." Cisco smiled.

 

"And by 'they both' Cisco means he was also involved." Caitlin said.

 

"Way to throw me under the bus, _hermanita_! If I'm going down, _te voy a llevar conmigo_!" Cisco pointed at Caitlin dramatically.

 

" _Cisco_ ," Joe started.

 

"Oh, would look at this," Cisco stepped forward and plucked up an empty slushie cup. "Looks like I'm out of juice! Better go fix this travesty. _Hasta luego_!" He all but ran out of the cortex.

 

Caitlin gestured at the drinks left abandoned on a metal table, "Coffee? Apparently Cisco is electing to have food colour sugar sludge today."

 

Joe ran a hand over his face and sighed, "Sounds good. I have to get back to the precinct. Try to stay sane the rest of your morning." The detective advised. He wrapped his hands around a coffee cup with Cisco's name on it, "When Barry gets back make sure he shoots me a text please."

 

"I make no promises on my sanity _but_ I'll make sure Barry checks in with you. Have a good rest of your day, Joe."

 

Joe nodded and walked out.

 

\--

 

Barry flashed himself and Cold a couple of blocks over, not wanting to run into any police that were no doubt called. 

 

"Where is Heatwave, anyway? He moves quick, and that's coming from me." Flash mumbled after a moment or two of letting the thief reorient himself. 

 

"Is whiplash normal?" Len grumbled, massaging the back of his neck.

 

"Oh! I probably should have warned you," Barry said. Len raised an eyebrow.

 

"Sorry." Barry said sheepishly.

 

"I'm almost used to being swept off my feet and at unbarring speeds by you, oddly enough." Len said. He then turned and started to walk off.

 

"Wait--"

 

"What's the matter, Scarlet? You can't arrest me for theft. In fact, the bag of ice is still around your wrist," Len said with a smirk, "You should probably give that back before they think you stole it."

 

"I stole--" Barry began and then started to sputter.

 

"Don't hurt yourself too bad. We need you in tip top shape for our next pow wow--I imagine this is only the tip of the iceberg." Len teased.

 

Flash huffed and speed off with the goods, leaving Snart behind to do whatever Snarts do. Probably to plan another heist. Joy.

 

-x-

 

Detective Thawne was one of the first at the scene. The dilapidated building was surprisingly still standing. That didn't mean he wanted to walk in there and check for the diamonds as per the rich Gothamite standing next to him's request.

 

Sophia Starr crossed her arms and huffed petulantly. She had been arguing back and forth with the policemen for about fifteen minutes now. To say that Eddie was tired of this was an understatement. He had already called Detective West via his walkie talkie about the missing goods and the pesky socialite, and West had replied that he was going to check up on a lead. Detrimental to Eddie's patience, the older man hadn't replied since. 

 

"That building could fall down any minute, ma'am, we really don't want to risk anything." Eddie tried to placate her once more.

 

"Aren't you the woman who almost married Cobblepot for his wealth?" Detective Frank Curtis asked, just trying to get them all off the topic of risking their lives in a condemned building for a bag of fancy rocks.

 

"Sounds to me like you just have one bad idea after another. Storing your diamonds here and all that. Isn't that man the one who owns the Iceberg Lounge? I'm positive it's a front for illegal activities but for some reason GCPD hasn't touched it." The only other detective with them, Charlie Conwell, added.

 

"It's practically impossible to get a standing warrant for that place." Eddie cut in as Ms. Starr's face was growing red in anger.

 

"And besides," Curtis cut in, "There's been a decline in crime. I heard from some Gotham buddies that there's some kinda  _boogeyman shadow_ scaring the delinquents off the streets at night. Doesn't make much difference for day crime but night crime has gone down."

 

"Oh, you're talking about the _Batman_!" Ms. Starr exclaimed, face clearing of it's angry redness. Eddie had a fleeting thought in whether offering her some water or something to lower her blood pressure would get him slapped or not.

 

" _The_ Batman?" Conwell repeated in query.

 

"He's real! I've seen him at one of my parties. He had sharp ears and claws! And his eyes glow white! He just flew across the room at an inhuman speed!" Starr crowed out in her nasally voice, expressing everything she said with her hands.

 

"Your parties that involved a lot of champagne?" Conwell said snidely. Starr's face just got red again.

 

"That's what they call him. He's just a myth, though." Curtis dismissed.

 

"Well, then why are they building a light for them on top of the Gotham precinct?" Starr shot back angrily.

 

"A rumour to scare the pubic into acting good," Conwell dismissed, "like how the boogeyman does."

 

Eddie shrugged with his shoulders and hands, "It wouldn't be--" There was a flash of lightening and the bag of stolen goods practically materialised in his outstretched hands as he spoke, "--the _weirdest_ thing I've heard. Oh!!" Eddie jumped and fumbled with the bag's sudden appearance. Sophia Starr stepped forward and snatched the bag out of the blond detective's hand, practically unfazed. 

 

"Now slow your horses, ma'am, we need to go back to the precinct and take a statement." Curtis said.

 

Eddie shook off the tremors in his hand and picked up his walkie talkie.

 

-x-

 

"Detective West," Joe's walkie talkie came to life as he was making his way to his desk. He unclipped it from his belt and brought it up to his mouth, "Thawne. Anything to report?"

 

"We've... recovered the stolen goods." Eddie's voice rang out, "We're heading back now with Ms. Starr to wrap this case up."

 

"Loud and clear." Joe said and clipped his communication device back on his belt and took a long drag of his coffee. He was just going to wait until Thawne came back until he reported to the Captain.

 

-x-

 

Caitlin looked up from her work as Cisco's blueprints flew up around her. " _Barry_." She greeted.

 

"Ohh, you don't sound too happy..." Barry trailed off, and pushed his cowl back. He ran his fingers through his hair a couple of times. "Where's Cisco?"

 

"Out on a slushie run." Caitlin said. She then tapped her cheek, indicating Barry should wipe his own cheek. Barry did so but it just spread the soot out more.

 

"Do you think it's time for a slushie intervention?" Barry asked after he gave up getting his face clean.

 

"Possibly. What I'm more worried about is him getting you into _more_ trouble than is needed. In fact, you attract trouble just _fine_ without teasing it." Caitlin lectured, with an imperiously raised eyebrow of doom.

 

"Why don't we save the rest of this lecture until Cisco gets back?" Barry hedged.

 

"That's doable." Caitlin conceded. She then gestured to the table they set the coffee down on, "Coffee? Although it's probably cold by now."

 

"Oh, no more temperature related jokes. I've reached maximum capacity. I can take _no_ more." Barry flashed over to the lone coffee cup and picked it up, "Ah yes, comfort food." He then promptly chugged it in one go.

 

"Maybe Cisco's not the only one who needs a drink intervention." Caitlin said.

 

Cisco walked back in the cortex with a larger sized cup then he had in the morning, "What about intervention? Is Joe gone?"

 

"Joe was here?" Barry asked.

 

"Yes. He asked me to tell you to text him. And now that you're both here..." Caitlin trailed off and Barry fumbled with his phone that he left on the monitor table.

 

Cisco audibly gulped at Caitlin's tone. Barry stood straight up and shared a glance with Cisco. They definitely knew what they were in for.

 

-x-

 

> Received 15:36 from Barry Allen:  _dksjdjdkkdjss_

 

Joe glanced down and pulled his phone out of his pocket. His phone didn't stop buzzing so he opened up his messages and watched them pop up within seconds of eachother.

 

> _im fine everythings fine ill explain tomorrow at work_

> _if i dont come into work tomorrow put a bolo out on caitlin and assume she has murdered both cisco and i for livin the pun life_

> _have mercy_

> _i would like to say that iris can have my apartment when i am gone_

 

< Sent 15:38 to Barry Allen: You'd better explain it in full detail.

 

< Sent 15:40: You deserve everything Dr. Snow dishes out. And I don't want Iris living in that apartment. I barely want you living in that apparent.

 

< Sent 15:44: What do you mean by "pun life"?

 

Joe looked up as the sound of heels clacking on the ground reached his ears.

 

"Daddy!" Iris practically squealed, "I have a great new story for my blog! Witnesses are saying that they heard puns being traded back and forth inside the building before it went up in flames. How interesting is that? I'll have to find more interviewees and figure out who was there and what was said but this is gold!" She chattered.

 

Ah. That's what Barry meant by "pun life".

 

< Sent 15:50 to Barry Allen: You can stop by for dinner tonight. You're getting another lecture, Speedy Gonzalez.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I knoooow that this chapter doesn't have as many puns as the last chapter.... I mean, I kept thinking--how am I gonna beat 26 puns? 27 puns? But then I looked inside myself and I was like--self? And the void echoed back. Anywhoodles. I promise there'll be more puns next chapter! 
> 
> Sophia Starr is a character from Batman: The Animated Series.
> 
> If anyone has any puns and/or ideas they want me to fit in this, please let me know!
> 
> Can anyone guess what Rogue will make an appearance next chapter? (:


	3. It's Funny 'Cause the Weatherman's Always Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Weatherman /What is your forecast /I need a major change /I can't stand no more rain
> 
> Or Mark makes as many weather related puns as he can until shit's lit (literally)

"Well, you're here bright and early!" Cisco's voice chirped at 5:30 in the morning to a bleary eyed Barry Allen who was clutching at the straps of his back pack like they would keep him up and walking.

 

Barry squinted at him and was grateful that Cisco only turned half of the facility's lights on. "Joe demanded me come home for supper so I could explain myself to him or something. Dinner was an hour of just silence and him staring at me suspiciously until I cracked. And I didn't--perks of having grown up with his silent treatment and odd interrogation methods." Barry took in a deep breath and slumped in an office chair next to Cisco.

 

"Thankfully Iris' date with Eddie ended earlier than Joe thought--an _nnd_ since Joe's the one who doesn't want Iris to know about the meta thing _anyway_ he couldn't grill me in front of her." Barry leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes, "So here I am about to run back home and Iris says, ' _Wouldn't it be nice to have a game night?'_ " Here Barry slumps forwards and lets his forehead hit the metal table in front of him, disrupting whatever small trinkets Cisco had set up.

 

"So Joe, like the sadist he is, pulls out my old Star Wars Monopoly board and sets it in front of us. I was stuck for _hours_. I finally got back to my apartment at three--maybe got two hours of sleep." Barry finished.

 

"I'm running on zero sleep, dude. Got the short end of the stick with Cait. Got closing and opening and since those times are so close anyway I decided to stay here and work on my new gun." Cisco motioned to his hodgepodge of blueprint designs. "I chugged about four five hour energies. Want one? I set up a mini-fridge by the comm station over there."

 

"Sure, why not." Barry stood back up and trudged over to the mini-fridge that was pointed out to him. He peered into the trashcan that was set up at the side of the desk there. "Cisco, the trash is almost a quarter of the way full with energy drink bottles."

 

"Did I say I _chugged_ four? I meant I lost count after four. Can you get a hang over from too many energy drinks?"

 

Now that Barry was paying attention Cisco was talking faster than usual. Not that Barry minded, it was nice for things to be on his pace once and a while. He opened the fridge and peered in, "I'm almost tempted to drink all of these just so you can't anymore."

 

" _Ha!_ Jokes on you! I bought those bad boys in bulk and one of the industrial fridges in the back rooms on this floor is filled with them."

 

"Why didn't you just buy a slushie machine with that kind of money?" Barry asked, pulling out seven little bottles, making quick work of them and dropping them in the waste bin.

 

"Because that would be just smart. I don't make smart decisions when I am sleep deprived." Cisco muttered, "You see this?" He held up a blueprint to Barry, who walked over and inspected it.

 

"This is a design for a plant gun that shoots _moss_. Why would that be helpful?" Cisco flourished the paper before slamming it back down on his desk, "It isn't! It doesn't make _sense_!"

 

Barry cracked a smile, "Hey listen, I only stopped by because I forgot to drop the suit here yesterday," He shugged his back pack over his shoulder and onto the floor gently and knelt down to dig through it, "Here we are," He said and pulled it out to hand to Cisco.

 

"Lovely. It's due for a good polish." Cisco smiled at the suit in his hands looking, for lack of a better word, like a proud father.

 

"I also forgot my work bag here," Barry mumbled and looked around to where we was sure he left it.

 

"Oh, I moved that over in the treadmill room. Wells almost got the strap to it caught in his chair wheels where you left it out here, he was not amused." Cisco said and flapped his hands to the glass windows and door to the Flash-proofed treadmill.

 

Barry took a sharp breath in, " _Oo_ , that's...not good."

 

"You think Joe silent treatment is cold? Wells' treatment is icey." Cisco rattled out quickly.

 

Barry just groaned. He slipped in by the treadmill, grabbed his shoulder bag, and slipped back out. Making his way to the door to the cortex he threw behind him, "I might just go insane if I hear any more dumb puns today."

 

By the time he got on the elevator to get to the ground floor of STAR Labs he had a vague thought that maybe he jinxed himself. He looped his shoulder back around his neck and across his chest and shrugged. Oh well. Time to be an hour early to work and give his boss a mild heart attack.

 

-x-

 

"Unusual weather we're having, huh?" Cisco's voice chimed in his ear. "Not now, Cisco." Caitlin's voice said afterwards, a bit quieter like she was leaning away from the mic. "Don't knock the weather, _chica_ , if it didn't change once in a while a whole conversation starter is gone."

 

Flash was stopped in the middle of a small park near a public library, a couple cafés, mattress store, and a large sports and outdoors store. He ran his hands over his face and took a double take. It was hailing directly over a tiny fishing pond. Barry promptly ignored the rainbow that was over the hail cloud. All in all the weather was nice for mid morning. Aside from the very out of the blue minuscule hail storm.

 

"Why, Flash! How nice of you to join me." Why wasn't Barry surprised? His eyes trailed on a figure that stepped out from behind a tree. Behind a tree, really? How cliche.

 

"What do you want, Mardon." Barry asked him, voice deadpan. 

 

"Why, you don't seem very happy to see me. I broke out of jail after you put me in just to play. And there will be _hail_ to pay!" At this Mark made a quick hand motion and a wind picked up from just behind the failing hail to shoot golf ball sized chunks of ice Barry's way. The Flash zipped from side to side until Mark, seemingly bored, let the hail storm dissipate.

 

Flash stopped and gave Mark a wary look.

 

"You seem a bit winded." Mardon quipped. 

 

"Tell him he doesn't get points for this! Coming up with weather puns is a breeze!" Cisco's voice came in through the comms.

 

" _No!_ " Caitlin's voice and his own shouted out at the same time.

 

"No?" Mardon repeated. "You look a bit tired, Flash. Seem a bit...under the weather." He said and caused a rain cloud to open up above Barry and start heavily raining.

 

"It looks to me, Barry started, cleared his throat and then raised his volume so he could be heard over the rain, "Like you mist an opportunity to make a 'rain on your parade' joke."

 

" _Barry_." Caitlin warned while Cisco snickered and muttered something about being 'right as rain'. There was a noise that sounded like someone being smacked on the arm. "Ow!" Cisco's pained exclamation confirmed this theory.

 

"Weather you like it or not, I'm gonna wind this little dance! Careful not to get... _blown away_ ," Mark said loudly and summoned high forced winds Flash's way, effectively throwing him head first into a building.

 

Flash blasted through a window of the mattress store and landed on a mattress. "What's the point of this?" He muttered into his comm link.

 

"I think he just wants to beat you up for jailing him so quickly the last time." Cisco reasoned.

 

"Great." Flash said sarcastically and slipped off the bed, studiously ignoring the surprised customers as he made his way to the broken window.

 

Flash stepped around broken pieces of glass and over the window display, "Your puns are putting me to sleep!" He called out to Mardon.

 

"Hmm, _where_ is Flash?" Mardon called, forming icicles in his hands, "Ice spy with my little eye," he called tauntingly, throwing icicles at civilians and laughing when they screamed.

 

"Scaring civilians is snow laughing matter." Cisco said grievously. " _Silencio_." Caitlin hissed. "Harsh. You sound like _mi madre_. You're missing the menacing sandal." Cisco shot back. 

 

"Quit it." Flash snapped at his two bickering friends.

 

"Quit what? I'm just having a bit of fun. Say, did you hear the story about the tornado? There's a _twist_ at the end!" Mark made a gesture with both hands; a small tornado came out of nowhere and was thrown at him. Flash was swept up in the winds when he tried to push off the ground to run.

 

Barry twisted this way and that but when the winds got faster he settled for clamping both hands over his mouth, feeling a bit queasy.

 

"How'd it feel getting taken for a spin, huh? Not so nice being spun around so quickly, _is it?_ " Mark said pointedly, letting the small tornado unravel itself. Flash hit the ground and settled on his knees, hands still over his mouth. He just glared.

 

" _Dice la verdad_ \--no offence, dude, but getting flashed from place to place sucks without a warning." Cisco said. Caitlin hummed in agreement.

 

"I'll give you a heads up then. Might be difficult seeing as though those situations are fight or flight but suuure I'll stall and let you know so you'll be comfortable when I'm saving your life." Barry muttered quickly. He looked up to see a confused look on Mark's face. He mirrored it himself.

 

"Uhh...dude you made like... a weird squeaking sound. Like someone hit the fast forward on your words but multiplied by fifteen. Dude!! You can _talk_ in super speed?" Cisco spoke animatedly.

 

Flash shook his head and slowly stood up. He looked to Mardon to see him recovered from his confusion and tossing a snow ball from one hand to another, smirking. He drew back his arm and cocked it forwards, letting the snowball rip. Flash just sped out of the way.

 

"Slow down there, sunny!" Mark crowed.

 

"Sonny? You're?? We're practically the same age." Barry yelled back.

 

"Barry, it was a pun." Caitlin informed him.

 

"Wait--was that a pun??" Barry asked for clarification. Mark just grinned viciously.

 

"Arrest him for indecent exposure!" Mick's voice suddenly shot out from across the street.

 

"Huh? Why would I arrest him for--" Barry started to ask, pushing back his confusion at Mick's appearance.

 

A large plume of flame disrupted his vision of the weather rogue. When he could see again Mark's pants had caught on fire.

 

Barry bit his lip and Mark let out a totally manly screech.

 

"Is this...a bad time for a 'pants on fire' joke?" Cisco chimed in through the comms.

 

"Absolutely not," Barry mumbled back, then in a clearer voice he called, "That's what happens when you're a compulsive liar."

 

Instead of, _ohhh say_ using his powers to summon a cloud of rain to put out the fire, Mark hopped around frantically until he ripped his pants off.

 

The "indecent exposure" comment suddenly clicked.

 

"Daddy, that man is butt naked!" A child called.

 

Barry frowned and looked around. Why don't these civilians have any common sense? If there's a battle, clear out! Flash ran a gloved hand over his face and flashed into a store up the road.

 

"Hello." He said pleasantly to a clerk that was going through a stack of checks.

 

"Do you sell wrap skirts?" He asked.

 

"One moment," The clerk ground out in a monotone. The clerk reached underneath their counter and pulled out a small binder.

 

Flash bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to state that he was in a hurry. He was certain that his impatience would come across as rude and he didn't want a negative image going around. The police were already wary of him as it was.

 

"The wrap skirts are near the belts and shoes," They pointed in a general direction without looking up and went back to sliding checks into the binder.

 

"Thanks!" Barry chirped and flashed to that section of the small store.

 

The clerk looked up in surprise as a gust of wind hit them. Not even a second later Barry was back with a plaid wrap skirt and he set it on the counter. The Flash smiled sunnily at the clerk who's mouth was closely resembling a fish.

 

After a few seconds of standing there Flash discreetly pushed the skirt towards them. "Oh! Oh, right--uh. Is that all?"

 

"It is."

 

"Right um," They fumbled with the scanner and quickly scanned the item.

 

Barry patted down his costume and remembered he had stashed a bill in the wrist of his glove.

 

"Th-that'll be 19 dollars and 40 cents."

 

Barry's brow furrowed, "Ninteen?"

 

"I meant nine!"

 

"Can you break a fifty?" Flash asked, holding out the bill.

 

The clerk nodded rapidly and began to make change.

 

"Food money. Actually--" Flash stooped down and grabbed a large pack of nuts and set it on the counter, "This too? If you don't mind." The speedster bounced on the balls of his feet.

 

"Your new total is 12..." They trailed off and pushed the bills and change towards Barry.

 

"Please keep the coins, I wouldn't want them dropping around when I'm running," Barry said, picking up the cash, folding it, and sliding it back into his glove.

 

"Would you like a bag for that?" The clerk wheezed out.

 

"Hm, no thank you! Have a nice day!" Barry chirped, picked up his items, and zoomed off.

 

"You too--" the clerk began but the Flash was long gone.

 

That was probably a weird minute and a half for us both, Barry thought in amusement.

 

Barry skidded back to the scene and Mark was standing with his hands in front of his junk, red in the face and screaming at Mick.

 

Mick looked entirely self satisfied. "I feel like this constitutes a charge on disturbing the peace as well, Flash." He called.

 

Flash just shook his head in exasperation and zipped around Mark, wrapping the skirt around him as he went. He zipped back to his previous spot and made to open his bag of nuts but stopped, "Anyone have a peanut allergy?" He asked.

 

"Just trying to cover _deez nuts_." Mark said. Mick cocked his gun in Mark's direction again.

 

"Hey--heyheyhey I just bought that don't burn it." Barry called. Mick huffed.

 

"Haa! _Got 'em!_ " Cisco all too enthusiastically shouted in Barry's ear. He winced at the volume and fiddled with the ear piece. He heard another smack followed by a, "Would you stop hitting me?"

 

Mark pulled at the skirt and adjusted himself, "I'm actually kinda digging this."

 

"You're welcome." Flash deadpanned, and threw a couple of peanuts in his mouth.

 

"Soooo," Mick started.

 

"Waiting for the police." Flash supplied to Mick's unanswered question, mouth full.

 

"Well. I'm outta here, Doll. I didn't actually commit a crime." Mick said.

 

"That's debatable." Flash mumbled after he swallowed then promptly shoved more of the peanuts in his mouth.

 

"I wasn't the one shooting out puns, fighting you, and causing property damage." Mick pointed out. Flash eyed the mattress store window, feeling a bit guilty. He quickly looked away because there were a group of teenagers watching him from the display window and he didn't want to make awkward eye contact.

 

An older woman wobbled over to Mick and grasped his forearm. Mick's eyebrows went up.

 

"This young man saved us from that naked menace. He's a hero."

 

Flash's eyebrows also went up, "Uhhh."

 

"He's the reason I was ass naked in the first place!" Mark yelled out.

 

"Language, young man!" The old lady admonished, scandalised.

 

"Yeah, Mardon, watch your fucking mouth." Mick smirked.

 

"Help me to my car, young man," The older woman tugged on Mick's large arm.

 

"With pleasure," Mick said, shooting a smirk over his shoulder to Flash and Mark as he turned and ushered her away.

 

Flash just frowned at his empty bag of food and walked over to a trashcan and threw it in.

 

"Should we be concerned?" Mardon asked.

 

"I don't think so," Flash said, wiping his hands together to brush off any residual salt. "His exterior might be hardened tar but his interior is definitely warm and lavaly."

 

Mark opened his mouth to reply but police sirens rang off close by.

 

"Finally." Flash said.

 

"Flaaash, buddy. You're not actually gonna put me in for indecent exposure, are you?" Mark pushed.

 

"Well, I can't exactly arrest you." Flash said as police cars parked around them.

 

"It's just...sorta something I don't want on my record." The weather criminal said, scratching the back of his neck.

 

"So murder is fine but God forbid you have a ball slip." Flash rolled his eyes. The police had gotten out of their car and were drawing their weapons.

 

"That's embarrassing! I don't want to be known as the guy who let it all hang out in public. That's not good street cred." Mark whined.

 

"Weeeeellllll. You have your _highs_ and _lows_ but," Flash tapped his foot quickly. "I'd talk to them about that," he said, and pointed to the cautiously advancing police. "Gotta run." He said, and he did.

 

-x-

 

Captain Singh walked in to his CSI face down on his desk and snoring. The captain sighed and was about to call his name but a machine next to him beeped loudly, causing Barry to jolt awake and fall off of his stool.

 

Singh felt his lips curling up in amusement but he cleared his throat so Barry wouldn't notice, "Morning, Allen. Good nap?"

 

"Oh! Uhh. Uh, Captain!" Barry say up quickly and scrambled to right himself.

 

"I'll let you off the hook this time, seeing as you were early to work and brought everyone coffee--however that doesn't mean you sleep on the job. Now, the finger prints I asked for?"

 

"Right! Yessir! And, um," Barry flitted around his lab until he found the report Singh was asking for, "Here you are."

 

Captain Singh walked out of the room and he he slumped down on his stool, letting out a sigh of relief.

 

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he checked the door before pulling it out.

 

> Received 12:04 from Unknown: _[link attachment]_

 

Barry furrowed his eyebrows and squinted at the link. He put his phone down, still unlocked and open to the text, on his desk and flashed around the room to finish reports and organise samples.

 

After five minutes of speed-doing that, the temptation became too much and he tapped the hyper link on his phone. It opened it up a separate web browser. When he saw the web address he immediately groaned.

 

**SAVED BY THE FLASH**

News Flash: Captain Cold, Heatwave, and Flash?

 

_Is there any truth to this ménage a trios? Witnesses confess to hearing various puns being traded back and forth in the building that was set ablaze yesterday._

_After some digging I was able to find eye witnesses that reported seeing Flash run out with Cold and that Heatwave was on scene somewhere. I was unable to gather what was said although I am assured by one mother that it sounded a lot like flirting._

_Is it hot in here or what? Share your thoughts in the comments!_

_(Show 62 Comments)_

Barry felt a headache coming on at the newly written blog post. At least he had gotten Iris to agree to go by just her first name. Small victories. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed out of Iris' blog.

 

< Sent 12:14 to Unknown: why

< why would you send soemtjinh like this to me

< something*

< i am suffering

< wait who are you anyway

 

> Received 12:16 from Unknown: _Guess, Scarlet._

 

Barry rolled his eyes and quickly added Snart to his contacts.

 

< Sent 12:16 to Frosty: are you serious

< how did you get my number

< its not like i havw ir posted anywhere

< have it*

 

> Received 12:17 from Frosty: _You're freezing my cell, slow down the texts. Mick sends his regards._

> _And I have my ways. ;)_

< Sent 12:17: did

< did you just wink emoji me

 

> Received 12:17 from Frosty: _Be seeing you. :*_

 

Barry just turned his phone off and stared at the blank screen. It was too early in the day for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha ha ha I don't know what I'm doing...
> 
> Did I reference the 1940's first publication and 2012's Barry-Flash reboot comic dates? Why, yes I did. 
> 
> As always please lemme know y'all's ideas and what not! 
> 
> Comments are love. ❤️


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